I mostly agree with this, I must admit I really struggle with sleepovers and am very picky, in a way which may not even make sense to others .
My two girls are 10 and almost 8, my eldest has been on her school residential and every Brownies sleepover she’s been able to do since age 8, I love that they’re all women and whilst that doesn’t exclude any risk it does help me to feel more trusting based on statistics. My youngest has recently had her first Brownies sleepover and will do a 2 night trip in the summer.
I wouldn’t let my youngest do sleepovers at her friend’s houses yet though and my eldest has only stayed at 2 of her friends as I’m really friendly with their parents and it has been in groups 🙈
Before anyone comes for me, my Mum fostered girls when I was younger and every single case was a SA case committed by a male family member or close male friend of the family on sleepovers, so it’s hard to shake that knowledge. I’m very frank and open with them both about the world, sex and learning to be independent, eldest has started to have more freedom with doing bits by herself so I hope I’ve struck the right balance. We don’t really know 100% until they’re adults though do we!
No one is going to come for you on my Substack babe and if they do, they won’t last long! I think, especially with your experience growing up, it makes sense that you would be more hesitant and while I have made different choices, it doesn’t mean I don’t respect yours. I think it’s just good to open up space to have conversations where we can disagree but still remain respectful xxx
I couldn't agree with this more, my social media is covered with people satying they would never let their children have a sleepover and initially wondered if I was totally neglectful for looking forward to my daughter have that experience. I have amazing memories of sleepovers when younger, and some not so great, nothing awful just navigating life, which is surely our job as parents, to raise the. To be the most capable people they can in real life? I'm also well aware that in my daughters 5 years on earth I have made decisions that could have ended in her getting hurt, but it was unlikely and I can't stop her ever getting hurt emotionally or physically, I can only be there for her when she does.
Yes to this. I don't see our job as restricting their access to the world and its experiences to ensure they never come to any harm. We do the best we can with the information we have and if something awful does happen we make sure we are there for them. x
I totally agree. One of the biggest problems coming from over parenting is children who now have anxiety and confidence issues. As a driving instructor I am teaching more and more students who have never been independent or made an independent decision. With me they are being asked to make decisions while driving a car which for some the anxiety can be crippling. Giving your children space to grow, be independent and make their own decisions is crucial as part of growing up.
This is really interesting because I think, when we over-parent, we can't envisage the myriad of ways in which it will manifest especially later on in life. The driving thing is really interesting. I think we go too far out of our way to try and ensure they never feel anxious. For me, the goal isn't to avoid anxiety-inducing situations but to teach them to be resilient enough to deal with them.
I couldn't agree more... Today I returned from a one week holiday in Belgium and France and - shock horror - I left my two youngest daughters alone at home. Okay, they are 17 and 20, but I did this for the first time when they were 14 and 17. Of course they know whom to call in any emergency, a friend of mine has a spare key for the flat and we talk regularly while I'm away - but I'm a single parent, they live with me 365 days per year, sometimes I need a break in order to stay alive and sane. And they went to sleepovers when they were little, all four of them. But they started this at very different ages, as soon as they were comfortable with it.
Absolutely agree with everything you are saying. The pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction since the 80s when we were given a key, told to make ourselves scarce for the day and come home when the streetlights came on! We need to find more balance. I really hope you enjoyed your trip! x
My kids are older (19, 21, 23, 25) but they all went on sleepovers at primary school and maybe because I knew the parents and my kids wanted to go I never worried about possible negative consequences.
I also left them on their own for short periods of time from age 9-10, again having found out there's no set age, it depends on their comfort with the situation. It meant they didn't have to traipse about all the other activities they weren't going to. I had a mobile they could phone and i was always local. They knew to not answer the door, to not answer the phone but also what to do if they couldn't get hold of me (phoning our friends/ neighbours).
I think it's invaluable for children to gently have more independence and responsibility before going to secondary school where they're probably taking themselves to and from often unlike primary school. Its good to have the chance to make some decisions for themselves and develop self-confidence.
Very much agree with the idea that we need to prepare them for secondary school and that mean giving them more independence as they come to the end of primary school. It is so important to let them live without being dominated by fearful feelings x
Part of parenting is preparing them for the times we aren’t there. Giving them skills to make decisions when a situation arises . Also the experience of balancing freedom with responsibility, My 12 year old has an hour to himself in the house after school and he can relax or whatever but also has to empty the dishwasher.
I also believe there are far more kind and helpful people in the world than wronguns.
Yes! The responsibilities are also part of it. I've spoken a lot about how we differentiate between chores and responsibilities and it's made a huge difference in getting the kids to see the importance of independently taking care of the space they live in. It's all connected!
I totally agree Cat. Our boys are 11 and 8 and I leave my 11 year old at home sometimes for an hour or so on his own. He doesn’t cook anything and has a mobile phone like your kids, and he loves the independence, it means he doesn’t have to come to his brother’s swimming lessons. It’s no different to them being out at the park with mates for hours at a time, which we are also happy with as we trust him to stay safe and come back when he’s told to. We also allow sleepovers and it wasn’t until recently when I saw a post on mumsnet that I even thought about possibility of something happening at those houses, as I too would not send him to a house where I don’t know the parents, or know a bit about the family dynamics. If he had a friend who liked to vape or was out until 10pm at night then of course I wouldn’t allow him there. X
Absolutely - the onus is on me as a parent to get as much information as I can about the situations they are entering into. We can never foresee every possible thing and to avoid experiences 'just in case' is a really limiting view of parenting and what our jobs are as parents x
I mostly agree with this, I must admit I really struggle with sleepovers and am very picky, in a way which may not even make sense to others .
My two girls are 10 and almost 8, my eldest has been on her school residential and every Brownies sleepover she’s been able to do since age 8, I love that they’re all women and whilst that doesn’t exclude any risk it does help me to feel more trusting based on statistics. My youngest has recently had her first Brownies sleepover and will do a 2 night trip in the summer.
I wouldn’t let my youngest do sleepovers at her friend’s houses yet though and my eldest has only stayed at 2 of her friends as I’m really friendly with their parents and it has been in groups 🙈
Before anyone comes for me, my Mum fostered girls when I was younger and every single case was a SA case committed by a male family member or close male friend of the family on sleepovers, so it’s hard to shake that knowledge. I’m very frank and open with them both about the world, sex and learning to be independent, eldest has started to have more freedom with doing bits by herself so I hope I’ve struck the right balance. We don’t really know 100% until they’re adults though do we!
No one is going to come for you on my Substack babe and if they do, they won’t last long! I think, especially with your experience growing up, it makes sense that you would be more hesitant and while I have made different choices, it doesn’t mean I don’t respect yours. I think it’s just good to open up space to have conversations where we can disagree but still remain respectful xxx
I couldn't agree with this more, my social media is covered with people satying they would never let their children have a sleepover and initially wondered if I was totally neglectful for looking forward to my daughter have that experience. I have amazing memories of sleepovers when younger, and some not so great, nothing awful just navigating life, which is surely our job as parents, to raise the. To be the most capable people they can in real life? I'm also well aware that in my daughters 5 years on earth I have made decisions that could have ended in her getting hurt, but it was unlikely and I can't stop her ever getting hurt emotionally or physically, I can only be there for her when she does.
Yes to this. I don't see our job as restricting their access to the world and its experiences to ensure they never come to any harm. We do the best we can with the information we have and if something awful does happen we make sure we are there for them. x
I totally agree. One of the biggest problems coming from over parenting is children who now have anxiety and confidence issues. As a driving instructor I am teaching more and more students who have never been independent or made an independent decision. With me they are being asked to make decisions while driving a car which for some the anxiety can be crippling. Giving your children space to grow, be independent and make their own decisions is crucial as part of growing up.
This is really interesting because I think, when we over-parent, we can't envisage the myriad of ways in which it will manifest especially later on in life. The driving thing is really interesting. I think we go too far out of our way to try and ensure they never feel anxious. For me, the goal isn't to avoid anxiety-inducing situations but to teach them to be resilient enough to deal with them.
I couldn't agree more... Today I returned from a one week holiday in Belgium and France and - shock horror - I left my two youngest daughters alone at home. Okay, they are 17 and 20, but I did this for the first time when they were 14 and 17. Of course they know whom to call in any emergency, a friend of mine has a spare key for the flat and we talk regularly while I'm away - but I'm a single parent, they live with me 365 days per year, sometimes I need a break in order to stay alive and sane. And they went to sleepovers when they were little, all four of them. But they started this at very different ages, as soon as they were comfortable with it.
Absolutely agree with everything you are saying. The pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction since the 80s when we were given a key, told to make ourselves scarce for the day and come home when the streetlights came on! We need to find more balance. I really hope you enjoyed your trip! x
My kids are older (19, 21, 23, 25) but they all went on sleepovers at primary school and maybe because I knew the parents and my kids wanted to go I never worried about possible negative consequences.
I also left them on their own for short periods of time from age 9-10, again having found out there's no set age, it depends on their comfort with the situation. It meant they didn't have to traipse about all the other activities they weren't going to. I had a mobile they could phone and i was always local. They knew to not answer the door, to not answer the phone but also what to do if they couldn't get hold of me (phoning our friends/ neighbours).
I think it's invaluable for children to gently have more independence and responsibility before going to secondary school where they're probably taking themselves to and from often unlike primary school. Its good to have the chance to make some decisions for themselves and develop self-confidence.
Very much agree with the idea that we need to prepare them for secondary school and that mean giving them more independence as they come to the end of primary school. It is so important to let them live without being dominated by fearful feelings x
Part of parenting is preparing them for the times we aren’t there. Giving them skills to make decisions when a situation arises . Also the experience of balancing freedom with responsibility, My 12 year old has an hour to himself in the house after school and he can relax or whatever but also has to empty the dishwasher.
I also believe there are far more kind and helpful people in the world than wronguns.
Yes! The responsibilities are also part of it. I've spoken a lot about how we differentiate between chores and responsibilities and it's made a huge difference in getting the kids to see the importance of independently taking care of the space they live in. It's all connected!
I totally agree Cat. Our boys are 11 and 8 and I leave my 11 year old at home sometimes for an hour or so on his own. He doesn’t cook anything and has a mobile phone like your kids, and he loves the independence, it means he doesn’t have to come to his brother’s swimming lessons. It’s no different to them being out at the park with mates for hours at a time, which we are also happy with as we trust him to stay safe and come back when he’s told to. We also allow sleepovers and it wasn’t until recently when I saw a post on mumsnet that I even thought about possibility of something happening at those houses, as I too would not send him to a house where I don’t know the parents, or know a bit about the family dynamics. If he had a friend who liked to vape or was out until 10pm at night then of course I wouldn’t allow him there. X
Absolutely - the onus is on me as a parent to get as much information as I can about the situations they are entering into. We can never foresee every possible thing and to avoid experiences 'just in case' is a really limiting view of parenting and what our jobs are as parents x