Over-parenting is a thing and I'm not here for it

All opinions are the writer's own

Over-parenting is the term that seems to have replaced the previous moniker of ‘helicopter parenting’ which describes those parents who exert excessive (arguably) control over their children’s life. I’m already at peace with the fact that I’m going to probably piss a lot of people off with this article, but I’m forging ahead anyway. Always happy to hear from people who disagree but let’s keep it grown up, ok?

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I am not, nor have I ever been, a helicopter parent. No one in their right mind could accuse me of over-parenting my kids. I’m not blowing my own smug trumpet here - trust me, I’m as aware of every troll who follows me (and likes to remind me at regular intervals) that there have been times when I could have been more engaged, more present, more ‘helicoptery’. It’s a balance, right? But, more and more I am coming into contact with parents who genuinely scare me into wondering if danger does, in fact, exist around every corner when it comes to our kids.

The other day, I was part of a conversation about sleep overs. There was a mum who was adamant that her kids would never be allowed to go on a sleep-over because, and I quote, “You never know who people really are behind closed doors.” It turned out that her fear was that her daughter would be sexually molested, or come into contact with inappropriate behaviour, whilst at the house of a friend.

I can honestly say, it has never occurred to me, not because I don’t give a shit, but because there’s a subconscious decision that I make at some point in getting to know parents and their kids where I believe that I can trust them. If I don’t trust them, then we’re not friends. In fact, I’m not being facetious when I say that, when it comes to looking after my kids, I would trust many of my parent-friends more than myself at times. They’re more organised, less ADHD, less distracted…they’re fucking brilliant.

“Readers said they just don’t trust that their child will be safe sleeping somewhere else. “I can’t 100 percent trust anyone with my kids,” one parent said, while another parent put it a bit less delicately: “Too many sickos out there.”

parents.com

Now, that’s not to say that she didn’t make a good point. It is impossible to know what is going on behind closed doors but if there is one guiding principle I try to live my life by it’s this: I will not make decisions based on fear. While I understand that the potential for danger is there, my experiential evidence has never proven that to be the case and so, while I have to acknowledge that there is always a risk of something bad happening at any sleepover my kids participate in, I am comfortable that the risk to reward ratio is acceptable for me. Of course, I’m not sending her off to a sleepover if I don’t know the parents, or if I get any hint that there is something ‘off’. But if there’s no reason for me to assume the worst, then I refuse to do so.

That’s not the case for everyone - and I accept that - but I do think that over-parenting comes from making fear-based decisions and that is infectious. There have been times when my kids have wanted to be more independent than I feel 100% comfortable with.

Parents resist sleepovers for a variety of reasons, including cultural differences and fears of abuse. But child development experts say sleepovers can be an important developmental step for children, helping them navigate independence, practice flexibility and gain exposure to different family cultures. Sleepovers may test the limits of some parents' discomfort, but they are one useful way children can exercise separation from caregivers.

usatoday.com

My eldest, who is 11, wants to be able to walk the dog around the park on her own. Of course, the first thing that springs to my mind is that she’ll be abducted by a sex-slave ring never to be seen again. Or that she’ll cross the road absent-mindedly and get hit by a car. It would be so easy for me to say no, to tell her that it’s not safe and that terrible things could happen to her but I believe it’s better for me to swallow that, say yes, ask her to be very careful crossing the road and take her mobile phone with her, because when it comes down to it, the last thing I want is to teach her to think of the worst possible thing that could happen every time she has to make a decision or try something new.

I have started to leave her on her own in the house as well for an hour or so at a time. There are parameters - she has to have her phone on her at all times, she’s not allowed to cook any food, or use anything hot or dangerous while I’m out, she can’t answer the door to anyone, and I’m never more than 10 minutes away. Is she too young? There’s no law that specifies an age at which a child can be left alone but I’m confident that I know my eldest well enough to trust that she will make sensible decisions.

With the summer holidays incoming, Helen Westerman, the NSPCC's head of local campaigns, recently said, "a child who doesn't feel comfortable shouldn't be left alone". She said this is why making a universal legal age is impractical as some children, albeit the same age, have different levels of maturity. (More guidance on this from the NSPCC)

Could something terrible happen while I’m out? Of course it could. Does that mean I shouldn’t bestow more responsibility on her if she wants it, due to the unlikely event that something awful could happen? For me, no. It doesn’t. The reward of increased independence, a strengthening of trust between us, and the opportunity for her to grow far outweighs the fear fantasy that I can make up in my own mind.

Of course, around all these things are ongoing conversations about responsibility and trust and what she needs to know about keeping herself safe. We talk a lot about strangers and the potential risks that come with increased independence and that with more freedom comes more responsibility, and if she ever felt she wasn’t ready, or didn’t want to do something then I’m never going to force her.

I felt sad for my daughter’s friend who wasn’t allowed to go on sleep overs or to the school residential trip. I don’t mean that to sound as condescending as it probably does but I remember sleepovers being the best thing ever when I was younger. We got up to all sorts of trouble and not enough sleep. Of course, there were times when I would fall out with the girl I was spending the night with but there was something socially important in learning how to handle that in someone else’s house. Managing conflict while also having to have manners and understand that I was a guest in someone’s house and act appropriately? It wasn’t always comfortable but making sure our kids are always comfortable isn’t the point of parenting. Handling discomfort is an important tool we owe it to our kids to teach them. Avoiding that lesson leaves them unprepared to handle uncomfortable situations when they arise.

What I’ve realised, as a parent of a girl who is transitioning from a child into a teenager, is that loosening the reins (even for a pretty hands-off parent like me) is not comfortable. I have to make a conscious decision to let her extend beyond my reach and into the world and it’s not always easy or instinctive, so I understand the motivation behind wanting to keep your kids close. But, I also see the joy she gets from taking up space in places where I am not, in existing free from my watchful eye where she can try on real-life temporarily, learn from it, and come back to the safety of me, of us, of our home.

I suppose it comes down to who you hold responsible for those terrible things when they do happen and, I’m not naive enough to think that they don’t. Of course they do. What happened to Madeline McCann is a perfect example. Ask yourself whether you hold her parents responsible for what happened? It’s easy to say that yes, of course, her parents are responsible. They left her alone in the hotel room while they went out for dinner - what did they expect? But, I think that they were devastatingly unlucky - the exception - and the exception cannot be allowed to prove the rule if we want to live a joyful life with freedom and growth at the heart of it.

I’m sure the McCann’s never left their children alone again. I’m sure they blame themselves, I’m sure they helicopetered the shit out of their children after that and who can blame them? But the sad truth is, kids are abducted from the hands of their mothers like in the case of Jamie Bulger. They are stolen from parks while their parents watch, they are snatched on their way home from school, from their beds while their parents sleep next door.

These things though are so very, very rare. It may not feel like it because the advent of 24 hour news and the internet has meant that everyone knows about every abduction, murder, terrible thing, within minutes of it happening. It can feel like it happens all the time - but that’s just not true and I have to remind myself of that every time my daughter asks if she can go to the shop to buy a fucking bubble tea (what is it with that stuff? It’s like they enjoy sucking frogspawn through a straw).

The potential of something awful happening to our kids, or to ourselves for that matter, is there all the time and nobody understands that better than women - all women. I am never not aware of that but when I weigh up the options of parenting based on the worst case scenario, or parenting based on the opportunity for growth…I’m always going to choose opportunity.

• do you agree or disagree?

• do you think over-parenting could leave our children unprepared or under developed in some ways?

• do you let your kids have sleepovers? I’d love to hear your thoughts!