Giving up smoking: an update

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Sometimes, my propensity for addiciton feels more like a game of whack-a-mole. The fucking hilarious thing is, I always used to say, with a straight face, that ‘I just didn’t have an addictive personality.’ This was based purely on the fact that I would only smoke when I was out drinking. Not exactly robust evidence.

What I didn’t realise was that, while the addict goblin that lives rent-free inside my brain, was fully satiated with booze, it didn’t need anything else. The day I gave up drinking - 26.11.21 - was the day I went from social smoking to twenty a day.

Latitude Festival circa. 2008

I remember the moment clearly. Well, I thought to myself, if I’m not going to drink, I may as well buy a packet of fags to get me through the early days. Listen, it wasn’t the worst idea in the world. We deal with the thing that’s going to kill us first, and eliminating alcohol was the priority. I’d deal with smoking later. Plus, smoking had the added bonus of giving me a reason to leave the room - especially if the whole ‘socialising sober’ thing got too much.

And so, I leaned into being a smoker. I hid it from my kids for as long as possible, by explaining every hour or so that, ‘I needed to check the bins’. At first I thought they might be a bit dim if they didn’t question the fact that mummy was spending a weird amount of time with the bins, but then I realised they just don’t listen to me.

6th Form Leavers Ball - I was a teacher

Eventually though, they found out. I was caught red-handed and, two years of sobriety under my belt, I couldn’t very well use the excuse that it was just to help in the early days. I tried to up my stealth skills, but they were on high alert so whenever I left the room they’d follow me. When I came in the house, they’d smell me. If they decided I’d been smoking, they would cry and tell me they didn’t want me to get cancer and die.

The ultimate nicotine buzz kill.

And here’s the thing - I really tried. I really tried to stop. I didn’t want to buy cigarettes but I’d find myself walking down the street to the shop saying to myself, Don’t do this. You don’t want to smoke, before asking for 20 Malborough gold, a lighter and a packet of chewing gum. By the time I gave up, you didn’t get much change from twenty quid for that little bundle.

Back when we could smoke inside. Circa 2006

And, do you want to know something even more stupid?