#54 My friend ghosted me and, nearly 10 years on, it still hurts

When it comes to relationships - platonic and romantic - there’s nothing more guaranteed to shred your self-esteem and confidence than being ghosted. Until it happened to me, I honestly couldn’t see the big deal. But there is a deep sense of unease and discomfort when someone just vanishes. This was my story.

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My husband tells me I should stop apologising for the paywall but he doesn’t get it because there’s always this underlying belief that I’m not really worth it and so when it comes to this point in an article - the point where I warn you that you’re going to come up against a paywall eventually - I’m deeply uncomfortable about the whole thing. But, I’m pushing through because writing is my love and while I don’t know if it will ever become my primary income, I do need it to bring in something! So, if you can spare £4.99 a month, then it’s hugely appreciated.

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As an only child, I have always gravitated towards people from big families. It’s something I’ve only become aware of recently, but there’s been a pattern from childhood right up to the present day where I feel a magnetic pull to be friends with the girl who’s got a big family, brothers, sisters, dogs, an open door policy. It’s not rocket science - I hunt out what I haven’t got and the little girl in me is always, on some level looking to belong to that big family.

That’s why, when I met Jenny (not her real name), I knew I wanted to be her friend. She was beautiful and stylish without being trendy. I was wearing H&M. She was wearing Sandro. She had a brother and a sister, a famous father, an eccentric mother. There were lots of dogs, a big family home. They all had boyfriends or girlfriends and babies were starting to appear. Everyone lived within a few miles of each other. The thought of one of them not being within reaching distance was unimaginable. I wanted to be a part of that.

But it wasn’t just that she came with an built-in family. That was a draw very much on the subconscious level. We also clicked. We really got along. We were both dating or married to musicians and we both had daughters around the same age. So, when her mum said she was looking for someone to help run her business I jumped at the chance. I’d just been fired from my job as a production assistant and tour manager after having the audacity to have a baby. Jenny’s mum - let’s call her Patty - told me I could bring my baby, that she would even provide a nanny. It couldn’t have been more perfect, with Jimmy away on tour, I hadn’t been sure how I would be able to work so this was the perfect solution.

Until it wasn’t. I was coming out of post-natal depression when this happened. My addiction was in full-swing. I wasn’t drinking every day, I wasn’t drinking in the morning, but I thought about drinking all the time and when I did drink, I had no idea when I would stop drinking. For those of you who think binge drinking doesn’t equate to alcoholism, please know that’s not the case. When I drank, bad things happened on a scarily regular basis and despite that, I kept doing it. That’s alcholism.

And a bad thing happened while I was working for Jenny’s mum.